If I get to work a little early and no one else is there yet, I draw eyes.
thank you so much - it was really good to have a message like this this morning! xxx
PS. in case it’s not TOTALLY obvious - it’s sharpie ink, not cuts. somewhere in my DBT folder it says you should draw lines on yourself with a red pen instead of cutting….by the time i did this i’d made the decision i wasn’t going to cut for real; that i didn’t have to.
i drew them mainly in the hope that it would make me giggle but haven’t got there yet.
silly as drawing felt-tip lines on yourself sounds, it is curiously satisfying.
i’m trying. i am.
i went to a party where within 5 minutes of arriving my friend was snorting coke. & so was everyone else.
i didn’t have a single drop of alcohol, didn’t take cocaine & didn’t take MDMA….very nearly but ultimately didn’t.
i feel like i should feel…..proud?! i don’t. i’m full of self-loathing & judgement & bitterness. i want to just fucking be carefree & get drunk & stupid & take cocaine for no reason other than that i never have & hey, try everything once! i want people to like me & think i’m fun instead of that uptight, “frigid” (yes that word was used…) girl.
it doesn’t work like that for me.
even one drink now & i start to melt round the edges & the floodgates start to creak open & the sadness & despair start trickling in. a few drinks later & i’m in tears or wanting to self-harm or jump off a motorway bridge.
so i’m trying to have the self-respect & conviction (& perhaps self-worth?) to not get myself into that state when i can help it.
i’m so indignant, but there are so many people in the world who are in far, far worse situations. how can i waste my time thinking about this?!
but fucking hell it’s boring.
i’m such a rigid, uptight bitch.
no one can accuse me of not trying.
Poppy Shakespeare on 4 on Demand. Watch Poppy Shakespeare online when you want on 4oD. Naomie Harris plays Poppy Shakespeare, a new and worryingly sane patient who arrives at a North London psychiatric ward dressed up to the nines, insisting she is not mentally ill. Her story is told through the eyes of N, played by BAFTA-winning actress Anna Maxwell Martin, a 13-year veteran of the hospital and self-confessed ‘dribbler’ who severed links with the outside world many years ago and has since made it her sole ambition never to be released. An unlikely friendship blossoms between the pair when N is charged with looking after the new arrival. Although she cannot understand why Poppy is unhappy attending the ward, N agrees to help her make a break for freedom. To qualify for release the pair must first prove that Poppy isn’t mad - but they quickly find themselves in a catch-22 situation; to prove she is sane she must pretend to be mad.
i finally got round to watching this today.
it made me cry.
i knew it would.
it’s beautiful & so is the book.
if you are a human, i highly recommend it.
i have a lot of time for clare allan.
incidently, she was on radio 4 earlier this week talking about borderline personality disorder.
they suggested we might like to listen to it at my therapy group.