i’m having a pre-occupied-with-suicide-&-self-harm kind of a day. i don’t know why. thoughts thoughts thoughts but nothing bad has happened & i’m feeling kinda gloomy but it’s not painful & intense like it can be so whywhywhy brain whyyyy?!
after all this time i still want to talk to her.
& if i did it would not be long before i was back to all-consuming obsession.
i’m supposed to be going out tonight. going to a gay bar in soho with my friend for a long overdue catchup. i was looking forward to it. & now suddenly i don’t want to go anymore. the idea of being in a packed out bar in the middle of packed out soho in the middle of over-congested london surrounded by people & noise & alcohol that i’m not supposed to be drinking fills me with dread.
maybe i should just go anyway. maybe everything would be absolutely fine if i did. i keep avoiding things on the basis of my emotions. which is ridiculous - my emotions are far from trustworthy yet i’m letting them rule my life. why?
last time i went out with this friend i wasn’t doing so great, & my head was a whirl of self-harm & half-baked suicide plots that i couldn’t shake off. the next morning i went to therapy & told my counsellor this - how i couldn’t get rid of the thoughts, the images - not last night, not walking there that morning, how i’d cut my thighs the night before knowing it wouldn’t help but doing it anyway. perhaps 15 minutes later we were downstairs again while she referred me to a more acute mental health team. then came the sitting in the corner of the waiting room hugging myself & crying waiting for someone to come & assess me. then the assessment. then the day hospital & their psychiatrist & the home visits & the day hospital.
all of which was terrifying & comforting & something to be immensely thankful for because it means i was still around this morning to see the blue sky & hear the magpies squawking & maisie neighing & have long rambling conversation with ann about pianos.
but even so, the fact i saw my friend the night before was not the cause of the thoughts or the events of the next day. just pure coincidental timing. so the association is irrelevant. it has no real meaning. so i’m just being ridiculous, i’m being silly & ridiculous & self-indulgent, right?
why does being able to have more rational thoughts & put this all in context not actually change how i feel??
i think i have these tights! or some incredibly similar if not!