some days life feels like a never-ending battle against the world & nearly everyone in it.
(bearing in mind that i own at least this many already!)
I’m sorry you’ve been feeling so bad. I may not have the same circumstances but I think I know what the feelings feel like. The things that seem to work for me is making a big effort to be kind and compassionate to myself, which has taken a huge amount of effort and seemed like a really stupid thing to do when I was first trying, and for a while still after that. And thinking about what’s important to me and what things I believe in….when life feels so utterly meaningless that being alive feels pointless, I try to remind myself of the things that give my life meaning. I’ve come to the personal conclusion that life IS meaningless. I don’t follow any religion so I don’t have that spiritual sense of a greater being or anything like that; I’m essentially a bunch of tissues and cells that co-exist due to a bunch of chance chemical reactions and environmental factors that enabled those reactions to happen. Which is fucking depressing. But that doesn’t mean that that is the grand total that my life amounts to….which is the important part. What gives my life meaning is having people that I love in it – people who love me back and mean that I’m not alone. And actually I don’t have too many of those. But when everything is going really fucking wrong & I feel like shit I try and hold onto the fact that my friend Yam (I think you met her at Halloween? I’m sure that she won’t mind me saying this to you) loves me and I love her, and we’ve stayed friends since we were little & she’s stuck by me through all the horribleness, & wherever she is in the world and whatever she’s doing, that doesn’t change. And believe me I don’t always find that easy, but I try and hold onto it.
The above stuff is what seems to help me….I’m not saying that it will work for you and I wouldn’t ever want to tell you what to do because it’s completely not my place. But trying to figure out the things that are important to me, and then trying to build my life around those things and I suppose around my value system, that seems to have helped me. And doing things because I genuinely believe in them, rather than doing things I think I ‘should’ do, or doing things because I want to please other people. Other than that I try and do things to be kind to myself and try to keep myself in the present moment, which is VERY much a work in progress. I have had shitloads of therapy, and that is definitely what has helped me through. I personally didn’t really trust the psychiatrists, and didn’t find the medication helpful either, but those are both personal things. I’m not very close with my family, and they’re not very supportive or accepting of my struggles, but I think it’s important to have someone that you can reach out to, or at least it has been for me! Even when I’ve felt totally alone and the only people I’ve reached out to have been therapists.
At the moment I have therapy with the personality disorders team….it’s a type of therapy which was developed for people with BPD and/or chronic suicidalness (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy). It was developed from CBT, so looks at the links between thoughts-feelings-behaviours, and things like challenging negative thinking etc, but also has a lot of mindfulness….which is a type of meditation and way of being I suppose, which was developed from Zen Buddhism for use in psychological therapy. And then also a lot of work around dialectics and finding synthesis in opposing ideas….I could talk about DBT for hours but the summary is that I find it really cool! Just thought it might be something you could look into as I have it on the NHS and it’s used for people with BPD, so might be something you’d find useful. Totally up to you.